Spent the day watching the kids be rowdy.    Course it was wonderful having them all home and watching them have fun together.  Would've been nice if Josh could've been here too.  He seems to think he'll be leaving for bootcamp Monday at midnight.   He was told that he would have to go in chains with the other prisoners being transported.  Also, that he is going to Abeline.  He'll have to spend a day or two in the pen there till they get him medically checked out and his paperwork processed.   So he's going to get a small taste of what it would be like if he'd gotten real time instead of bootcamp.  Makes me cry to think of him like that, but in all truth he did it to himself.  I have to pray that this will make a difference in him. 

The rest of the kids acted nuts all day.  They played, wrestled, and fought (playfully of course)  Even Julie, it was great to see them all having a good time instead of really fighting.  I just wish that I felt more like myself so I could have participated in the fun.  I was just too tired though, and spent the day napping off and on.  One of these days I'm going to be back to normal.  I don't know how I'm going to get there yet, but I'm going to.

It's amazing to me how having serious issues with my kids puts me in the creative mode.  My son Josh, who has been having such legal trouble, finally got to court on the violating probation charge.  He got 75 days in boot camp.  Which I'm sure will do him a world of good.  The down side and boy is it a big one, is that if he fucks up even just a little he goes to the pen for 3 years.  That means if he back talks a drill instructor, doesn't follow orders to a T, or just doesn't finish the program on time, he's goin down for those 3 years.  That's awfully harsh, but even though he's my oldest boy, I can't say he doesn't deserve it.  He's had chance after chance and blew them all off.  Well, he can't blow off this one.  It worries me, he's a wonderful kid, but I don't know if he can go that long without fucking up or losing his temper and I'm very afraid he'll end up doing hard time.  At 20 years old and about 145lbs, that would be the worst thing that ever happened to him.   I don't think he'd ever come out and if he did, what was left good in him would be gone and the pen would become his adult home.  With all these worries floating around in my head, I've taken to my PSP to keep occupied.  I decided to totally redo my first website.  Which it needed!!  I've come so far since I put it up on earthlink, and it sure didn't reflect my new talents.  Soooo......hence the new look for the new year.  I don't have it up yet.  Too many webrings and shit to take down for very long, but I'm over half way there.  Another day or so and I'll be done.  I'll post the link here if anyone would like to go see. 

For now tho, I'm tired and worried and ready for some rest.

I'll be back in full force soon.  I've gotten all my content set up for the new website.  Have gotten most all the graphics made, decided on the forum set up and am just waiting on my customized template so I can get started setting the pages up and sending them to the site.  Woohooo

So, daily writings will begin again soon, and I'm sure you can hardly wait. Lol, by the way what about the new colors huh?

To say that I had taken a break from bloggin would be an understatement.  I just quit, seems I didn't have anything to say or at least I thought I didn't.  I went through a time where I wondered just what good it was for me to write my thoughts down.  Now that I'm a bit more myself I realize that it helps keep me on track to write.

We just recovered from a visit from my parents.  Yeaaa we had really missed them.  I had 2 involved in a car accident, both are ok but they scared the hell outta me and themselves. 

The best news of all though is that I've felt like being creative again and have begun to work in PSP.  I finally decided what to do with my dot com.  I'm hoping to create a forum for PSPers, Photoshopers, etc.  This forum is going to take pride and care in educating ourselves and others on the rights of the artists.  For a long time now artists have taken issue the us taggers and webset creators.  Let's face it, they have had a right.  Because most of us didn't know about graphic theft and how to get permission from the artist or which artists let us create with their art.  Linkage and credit where due and all that is very important.  I hope to include the artists in this forum and invite some who are not as inclined to let us use their work with the offer of giving them an avenue to persue the members of the forum who do not follow the rules and violate copywrite issues.  We will have the sites checked from time to time by groups like R.I.G.H.T.S. and Integrity.  The requirement for joining will require such monitoring, agreement to abide by all copywrites and artists wishes.  I also hope to get an awards thing going for sites within and outside the webring on graphic excellence and for giving credit to the artists.  I want it to include, poetry, articles, short stories, etc.  Ummm maybe feature an artist every month and have contests using that person's art.   Maybe have the members donate tags, websets, etc for free download to the public. Things of that nature.  Of course I'll have the traditional website stuff, my graphics, cool links, my blog and webmaster freebies.  I'm real big on high quality free to download graphic programs, website tools, etc.   Oh, and before I forget there will be plenty of space for members to post their creations. 

I know this is lots of work, but I feel that it will be worth it in the end.  It's also going to build my skills because I'll have to learn about PHP. 

Nice dreams huh?  I hope that when all is said and done it will be a reality and not just a dream.

This has been a very emotional summer for me and it doesn't take much to bring me to tears these days.  Saying that tears are streaming down my face as I type this. 

We chose to watch a show called narrow escapes on the Discovery Channel tonite.  With all the traged that has gone on in the American public's lives after 911 we still seem to forget how hard our fireman and policeman work.  And that there is nothing they won't do to protect and serve.  The particular section that started my flood of tears was about an Alaskan Huskey of all things.  Not a person or a baby, but a dog for crissakes.  In California firemen spent 14 hours trying to rescue this dog from being trapped between a retaining wall and the wall of a house.  Imagine, all the resources and expenses that went into saving that animal.  And people wonder if they care at all.  You should be ashamed if you've ever felt that way.  Another story about a stray kitten being caught in a storm drain on the freeway for 3 days.  Everyone of those days, citizens, firefigthers, highway workers, and policemen worked to free the kitten.  Eventually they did and it recieved a new lease on life being free and adopted by one of it's rescuers. 

I don't care how cynical someone is, you can't help but be touched emotionally by these kinds of stories.  It tends to give me faith in humanity.  You know that we're not all that bad.  If these folks will take the time to become a hero to such small creatures, how can you NOT believe that they would work that hard and harder for a human life. 

Sure we gripe and complain, but when it comes down to it if it weren't for the people that put their lives on the line for each of us every day and do it not for the money, and certainly they don't get any thanks, but because it's their job and they care; where would we be?

It's been a rough one emotionally today. 

I guess to begin with I should say that for the last 4 or 5 years I've been having an extra tough time with my oldest son.  He's 20 and still living at home.  His biggest ambition for each day is getting high, satisfying his munchies, and watching movies.  As long as he gets high in his mind he's had a good day.  I know I could've and should've kicked him out long ago, but I feel like that's quitting on him and that means I've failed as a mother. 

He got into some serious trouble last year about this time and got 10 years probation and 400 hours of community service.  When he first got home from county he was scared to death about going to the pen.  He should be afraid too.  He's about 5'10 and maybe 150 lbs.  He wouldn't last long in the pen.  As time has gone by though he has become less and less afraid and back to business as usual. 

In July he made his monthly visit to probation and the piss tested him.  Needless to say he came back hot.  Today just before lunch he was picked up outside the post office on a warrant for probation violation.  Courese he knew that he was going to have to suffer the consequences of the piss test, but it never occured to him that it would be jail.  He said his PO told him he'd have a choice between rehab or boot camp.  He even thought he was going to have a choice, hahaha.  So much for that thought. 

As near as we can figure he'll be spending anywhere from 10 days to several months in jail till his PO can get him into one of the programs.  He has to been clean to go and that's the only way they can make sure he will be.  I don't know for sure that's the way things are going to go, I'm hoping though.  I'll know more for sure later after I talk to his PO. 

They were wrong the Army isn't the toughest job you'll ever love, being a parent is.  It's amazing how something so small and hepless when they are born, can grow to cause so much heartache and pain.  And, on the other hand so much joy and pleasure.  Sometimes you love them so much you think your chest could burst with it.

Little children, headache; big children, heartache.  ~Italian Proverb

Few things are more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own.  ~Doug Larson

Mother Nature is providential.  She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.  ~William Galvin

There isn't a child who hasn't gone out into the brave new world who eventually doesn't return to the old homestead carrying a bundle of dirty clothes.  ~Art Buchwald

This has just not been my day.  I was all but ready to post this blog and when I tried to add a smilie, I lost every bit I typed. 

Anyway, the topic d'jour was depression and SSI.  As I've probably mentioned before I've been in the midst of the darkest period in my life depression wise.  I've not been able to leave the house in weeks and am totally unable to deal with people outside of my home.  I haven't even felt like working on my webpages, blogging or even writing in my journal.  That tells me I'm in a really black period.  I think about it but think, I don't feel well, I'll go back to bed instead. 

My parents have recently retired and left home for the first time ever.  I have the best parents on the planet.  They left with a home I don't have to pay for, utilities, satellite, phone, and internet access included.  The only money that has been added to the account has been by my daughter and she is making her car payments.  To be fair to them I really need to have some sort of income.  Not to mention I have no medical coverage and medications and need dr's visits.  One of the main reasons my depression has gotten so bad.   I finally got to see a new cardiologist and never made it back to get my stress test and sleep apnea tests done.  Included in the depression is a major health issue, also a reason for the depression.  I had a double by-pass open heart surgery done a year ago and some of the symptoms are returning.  Our famous welfare system is unable to give me health coverage so I'm stuck between a rock and hard place.  Now I have seriously been looking for a job since I got laid off back in October.  My resume will get me many face to face interviews but one look at me in person, all my health issues etc come into play.  I can't prove the discrimination, it is subtle, but I'm in my 40's overweight and totally not healty.  Lol a real quality employee.  They look at me and see missed time, insurance claims etc and there goes my job down the drain. 

At one time in my life I would have been able to do whatever it took to make money, I'm just not physically able to do that anymore. Sooo long story short, SSI and medicare are my only options.  God willing and a sympathetic Dr and I shouldn't have any problem, but.  Yea but, I've hear too many people who deserve it more than I do got turned down the first time.  I just can't afford that kind of time so I will begin the search for a specialized attorney as of tomorrow.  And the search begins....part one tomorrow.  I know ya just can't wait, hahaha. 

I'm in several pretty cool webrings with my sites and one of them Simply Enchanting Angels I'm on the review committee.  I've gotten to review some really cool sites.  Today tho, I reviewed one that made me remember that there are people out there who know how I feel, and have recovered.  Been through worse and recovered.  So if you're depressed or need a place to spout off about some abuse or rape or migraines then you need to go visit Gamma Jill's Place  Besides the support issues, she has lots of resource related links go check her out, you won't regret it.  Now, be ready for the first part in the attorney saga. 

This is has been a really tough week.   Starting last weekend with the drunken escapades and ending tonite finding out that a cop that has been harrassing my daughter is looking to hang all of us for selling drugs.  Which is laughable, that is the absolute last thing that would happen in this house.  He seems to think there's too much traffice coming and going here, well hell 12 people live here. So damn right there's going to be a lot of people coming and going.  Plus all have friends and they come and go too.  Besides things are no different now than they were before my folks left.  There has always been lots of people coming and leaving this house.  This is such a crock of shit.  I'm stressed enough about money and food and doctor's bills this is NOT something else that I need. 

Oh well they can come but they won't find anything.  It just really pisses me off because even if they don't find anything they're going to ruin my reputation over a cop that runs his mouth all over town and harrasses people that don't do anything other than mind their own business.  My parents would absolutely flip out. 

I'm not really sure what to do about this.  The cop that is causing the problems lives across the street.  I wonder if maybe I should go over and talk to him face to face.   Let him know that his rumors are getting around to me and leave my daughter out of it.  I don't know whether it would do any good or just make matters worse.  I mean he lives across the fuckin street so he know's the drug traffic is bullshit.  But, maybe it would do some good for him to realize his rumors are getting around town.  He can get fired for that kinda shit.  I dunno I'm gonna have to think on this.  I have friends that should be able to help me figure out whether it's true or not and what I should do about it, maybe I'll give them a call. 

Yesterday was one of those days I've tried to avoid since I was married to my second husband.  Alcohol turned everyone into children and I ended up babysitting to keep my house together. 

We started off having fun cooking out and kickin around the house.  Then a halfway lit family member showed up looking to twist off a good one and start a fight.  He damn near did, but we got him out of the house I thought before any damage was done.  Turns out we had damage, and tried the damage control and it worked up until about midnite last nite, then it all went to hell.  We had another twist off because he was mad at the first one who disrespected me and along with the marital problems he's had he just needed to go nuts.  I'm not saying that's an excuse but when it rains it pours.  He pissed off another one in the house and I had to calm him down, my daughter and her boyfriend added to the party with a fight of their own.  Finally around 2am all the wayward children were home and passed out and I could relax. 

Course, I'm getting too old for this crap and I've been wore out and felt like someone beat the shit out of me today.  Don't get me wrong I love having all my children and my adopted children here.  I love the fact that they talk to me and allow me to be a part of their lives and like to hangout at home instead of being out and gettin in trouble.  Then there are the days that I wonder why I don't kick everyone of them outta the house, have some peace and quiet and privacy.

Am I crazy?  Is it nuts to love your family so much and love being around them?  We've lived here all our lives and for the first time ever I'm not the one trying to get out of this small town peyton place.  I've always wanted to live in a bit city and be to have a chance to do better for my kids.  My parents retired and left after 42 years, my brother and his family just moved, my kids uncle and my best friend moved out of here and now we are the only ones left.  Ironic isn't?  Life is full of those funny ironies, lol, I just never thought it would be me.   

I have the house I grew up in and my kids know as home.  I have the same phone number I did when I was a teenager staying on the phone for hours.  All in all I guess I feel pretty good about it, but now I just gotta figure out what I wanna be when I grow up.

Well holy hell,,,I'd written almost a whole page and lost it all when I tried to put in an emoticon.  I'm getting to lazy to try and re-type it all now.  It's all peaceful and quiet an extreme change from what it has been around here.  I spent my first fully restful nite not having to worry about Lexi sleeping with me and I guess I'm still worn out from having lost all that sleep last week. 

My group friends are all busy doing reworks on their sites, weddings, redecorating, etc so the urge to visit is not very strong either.  My PSP creations are ahead of the lessons and I don't really want to get any farther ahead.  Back later,,,can't hold head up anymore.

:(  I've been torn the last few days between being too depressed to write & when I'm not I've been finishing the last of the redo of Sweet Comfort, checking for spelling errors and putting up a few decorative touches here and there.   You should go check it out for me and leave me some comments, I'd love to here what you think.  http://sweetcomfort.faithweb.com/index.html" title="http://sweetcomfort.faithweb.com/index.html" target="_blank"http://sweetcomfort.faithweb....  I need to put up 2 more gallery pages and then all my html worries will be over for the moment.

The house has been really crazy lately.  We have had my daughter's boyfriend staying while he was on vacation and my son's girlfriend joined us.  Not to mention Charlie who split with his wife and David who has been staying here to finish school.  Plus him and Jason brought home another wayward teen from North Dakota.  Sooo that makes12 people here this week.  We've also been short of groceries this week, school's about to start and I need money for clothes and supplies, and extra money for the househould necessities such as TP, shampoo, cleaners, razors, etc, etc, etc.  The stress has been pretty major.   Which resulted in a near miss of debilitating depression.  I had gotten to the point where I was crying all day and had made the move to spend the day in bed, when things changed.  I made a decision about work, found out today about the grocery situation and the kids just new that I was down and pitched in to cheer me up.  By the end of the day yesterday I was playing dominoes, laughing, the migraine and sleepiness gone.  I'm almost a 100% better today. 

It's funny how that damn mess can go from keeping me from enjoying life to just a little dark cloud in the back of my mind in such a short time.  I know it's different with everyone but I often wonder if the changes are so immediate and defined for everyone as they seem to be with me.  It's been a rollercoaster ride the last week, I'm gettin pretty sleepy now.  G'nite all